Second hands

I haven’t used my phone to write this blog, I like the feeling of sitting in front of a computer and typing it out. Nerd that I am, I’ve always loved using laptop keyboard, especially the flat ones. I just love keyboards in general. I remember when I was a teen I would steal my mom’s typewriter to type out what would be “my greatest novels” (they were crap, don’t worry). It just makes me feel… intellectual? Prestigious? Completely fake but cool. I am completely aware that using a typewriter is the very opposite of cool, but I am also aware that I no longer give a damn. But here I am, writing a blog post from my phone.

One of the hardest things about being a single parent is the lack of a second person. It sounds so obvious, right? Duh, hence you being a single parent. But when you go solo from being a duo, it takes a while for that to sink in. Like last week when I was out of work for 2 days with my sick child. Or today when I have an appointment but also need to go grocery shopping. And go to the pharmacy. For all the “ease” of apps to make shopping easier, I like going places and walking around. I don’t want to rely on those things (and I want to try at least a little to save money for delivery). I’m not knocking them at all, they saved my life last week. But I don’t live in town, so going to town to get groceries or something can be nice on the weekend. Everyone out of the house! Get in the damn car!

I have felt very adrift this week, and I think it’s from the weekend when I just could not do things myself. I had just steadied on my feet, and then was knocked over with a stomach bug. And Bob’s truck is gone, which is a good thing but it gives me a sense of insecurity when I’m home. Luckily I have a vicious guard dog that’s stepped up his game the last few weeks. Vicious and ferocious for sure.

I’ve also been writing less because I’ve been so busy. Between work and home I pass out mentally when the girls go to bed. I originally started writing because I had so much to get out. And I still do, that hasn’t changed. But I’m also still trying to “find my place,” to steal a phrase from a friend. When Bob was sick I knew what I was doing and when. We had appointments, we had treatments, we had kids and work. But my calendar has become this void. I realized yesterday I use the week pages for some notes in my planner but I don’t write down my appointments anymore or like what I have to do- I use my phone a lot more. There has to be a balance for the two, writing things down helps me remember them a lot better. (I have since updated it and made it inviting again since it was also hard to look at, being so empty. Stickers are fun, as long as I hide mine from the girls!)

I’m also coming to terms that it is actually only me. I can use an app with lists for groceries, because I’m the one doing the grocery shopping. I can get another electric stove, because I’m the one doing the cooking. It doesn’t really matter what Bob wanted, even though it mattered to me, because I’m still here with these chores and responsibilities. I’m the one taking care of the kids, and helping make them the best little people I can. I’m the one making sure they remember their dad. It’s me. It’s no longer the duo, though I like to think that way in my head and I still say “we” when talking about parenting or something like that. (Maybe I should adopt the royal “We” haha.) It’s my life. Mine. And Bob prepared me as best he could to be without him, but it still really sucks without him, and there’s nothing he could do about that. And I know he would never have wanted me to have this pain. But if I didn’t have this pain I wouldn’t have had the love for him that I did. The phrase “love is pain” is very appropriate right now. But would you give up your love to get rid of the pain? I never even could, even if I wanted to. And I don’t. Watch me be just as stubborn as he ever was, it’s one of the reasons he loved me.