The big 3-5

” As I look back over my yesterdays / I was so sure, certain I’d find my way / But now the world is such a different place / All of my dreams are gone without a trace / Where is the light that used to shine? / Oh, where is the life that once was mine? / But while there’s hope, while I still breathe / I will believe” – “I Will Believe,” from “Anna and the Apocalypse

This week has been really difficult, and mentally I’m just so tired of everything. I need someone to just manage my life for me for like a week. I’ll be in my room sleeping, thanks so much. But that’s not the way life works. So I keep moving and doing what needs to be done. (And if you’re going “why didn’t you reach out to me?” I didn’t want to reach out, I will if I need anything but this was something I had to be with in my own head. And I’ve spent a lot of time in my own head this week, which is never very fun.)

Monday I turned 35. It seems like such a big number, like I’m “finally an adult.” Who knew this is what my life would look like now? I remember when I was 23 and was getting carded to get into the mall (Now I avoid the mall like the plague.). It was an odd birthday. Char sang “Happy Birthday” to me when she woke up, and played her new guitar from the Dollar Store for a backup band. But Bob was missing. And no matter how happy I was to talk to people, or eat the amazingly tasty dinner my neighbors made, Bob was still missing. So I was quiet. Full disclaimer in case you don’t already know, if I’m really quiet something is really wrong. I will talk about whatever under the sun, but if something is really bothering me I won’t talk about it. That’s part of what this blog is for- to get me to talk about things I wouldn’t necessarily talk about to anyone but Bob.

I was expecting to feel that way on my birthday. I felt…. empty. Like I didn’t have the energy for emotion. But I still love my birthday, and had moments of happiness during the day. That’s sometimes what happens. You can’t control your emotions (Vulcans are liars!) but you can control what you do about them. I didn’t blog because I didn’t want too. I know I don’t have anything to prove, but I didn’t want to write about how shitty I felt. I wanted to just give myself the space to just be alright with how shitty I was feeling. And that might sound weird, like “why don’t you go do something about it?” It’s because I do something about it a lot, but sometimes you just need to let it wash over you and not try and run from it. Nothing can make this feeling go away, it just dulls sometimes. The only thing that can make it go away is Bob coming back, and Bob is not coming back.

I can still hear him, I can still feel his face, I can still hear his cheeky comments trying to make everything into an innuendo and failing most of the time. The two of making everything awkward so nothing was really awkward. I will keep looking at pictures although it’s hard. I will still look at videos even though they make me cry. I will still tell the girls stories about their dad even if they don’t understand them. I don’t feel him near me lately, and I wish I did but maybe I will again tomorrow. Because tomorrow always comes, and the girls will wake up, and I will wake up, and we will keep repeating our routine. Because I might not feel him but I know he’s there, he would never leave his girls behind. Myself included.