That which doesn’t kill us

Everyone has heard the phrase “that which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” But that’s actually not true. It should say “that which doesn’t kill us changes us.” It doesn’t make you stronger all the time, but you’re forever changed. No one stays the same forever, in an age and development way as kids, and as a life experiences way as adults. I am not the same person I was in college, or when I was living in Syracuse in my 20s. Back when I could drink all night with friends and get up and go to work the next day. (Toddlers are NOT forgiving of hangovers.) I’m not the same person I was when I started dating Bob. I’m not the same person I was before kids, or with just one kid, or taking care of everyone when Bob was sick. I am not the same person I was 5 months ago. I know that I am “stronger” in my self confidence and what kinds of things and people I will let in my life, but I think of it more as changed. I have definitely changed.

I used to wear a mask, I know I’ve said it before. I had Bob, I didn’t need anyone else. He had to put up with all my girly emotions, and his favorite thing was to make fun of my embarrassment over them. But deep down he saw me, and loved me. He loved me with all of my flaws, quirks, and awkward tendencies. I have a lot of awkward tendencies, especially around new people. I remember one of my exes telling me one time how we met. I sat down next to him on a bench outside our high school, having never talked to him before, and started talking about Mystery Science Theater 3000 for like 20 minutes. And then my bus came and I stood up and left. A friend of Bob’s told me when she first met me as Bob’s fiance I was not what she expected he would be marrying. I think they were expecting some big blond Germanic farm girl who could lift calves over her shoulders, and here’s this bouncy little crafty girl pulling Bob behind her in Michaels. And there are times I miss being that person. That person that bounces between conversations and doesn’t have the experiences I have now. I know I am still parts of that person, and I’d like to think I kept the best parts, but I am not the same.

There are cracks in my mask, because I realized I have to let people in. I am fully aware that I can’t do this on my own completely, although a lot of it is on my own. And I have a lot of support still, even with Bob being gone. There’s my family, his family, our friends. No one is missing from our close network except him. But he made sure we were all bonded together to make it through this together. Ryan had it right when he stated at Bob’s funeral that we shouldn’t have been there that day. He was right. Bob should still be here with us.

I started school again today (no, I didn’t take a picture), and I tell myself in 8ish months I can look into starting a new career that might actually use the degree I worked so hard to get 15 years ago. It will take a lot, but I can do it. It will be hard, because I don’t have Bob to take the kids while I go straight into it after dinner like before. My biggest supporter isn’t here anymore, but I’m still going to try my damnedest. Because I have realized what I want in my life, and I also realize tomorrow it might have to change again. But I am starting to be able to roll with the changes again, and let my life coast again with my choices. I don’t have to be as strict about organizing my life, I can ease up the tiniest bit. Because when I start to ease up the best things can find their way in.