Self-Employed

So, in case you hadn’t heard, Friday was my last day with my job. I am now “self-employed” and focusing on school. And while it was great to “do nothing” all day, it wasn’t relaxing in the way you’d think it would be. Mainly because for most of the day I had an war raging in my head.

Bob once joked that I had OCD & ADHD, because I “obsessed about everything and could focus on nothing.” Which is actually pretty true. I have not stopped moving in the last 2 years. It’s less than that really, but honestly math makes my head hurt. Bob died 10 months after he was diagnosed. Today marks 10 months since he’s passed. So much time, and yet no time at all. So for the past 20 months I have been running. I’ve been a mom, a caretaker, a wife, an employee, a student…. and I’ve conceded it’s time to stop running. I went back to work 3 weeks after Bob died. Everyone was surprised, but those who really knew me knew I needed to be back at work. It was my fight for some normal. In September I started my classes again, which were put on perpetual hiatis when Bob got sick. I couldn’t stop moving. If I wasn’t at work, I was dealing with a house thing. If I wasn’t in school, I was focusing on starting a new project. I couldn’t stand to be left in my own head. And then in December my stress was so high that I realized how much I was hurting myself. I had nothing else to give, and I didn’t need to keep going like this. Bob and I had set it up so I didn’t need to keep going like this. I knew I had to stop (with a lot of yelling from Bob, the time of passive messaging was over).

Yesterday, as I was sitting on the couch, part of me was making lists of things to do. House things, errands, groceries, project ideas, and business ideas. Another part of me, fighting to be heard, was telling me “You NEED to sit the fuck down. You don’t have to do that today. You aren’t going to work tomorrow, or the day after, or next week.” And I repeated this cycle in my head. I also wrote down lists for later if I want to look at them. I’m so used to scrambling in my free time that my free time is not down time. I have to repeat to myself it’s okay if I don’t do dishes today, I can do them in the morning. Are we out of milk? No? Then don’t go to the store, you have more time later in the week. You don’t have to plan out your whole day and fill it. You do, however, have to do your homework. Which I finally got to today. Just a little behind, but it’s only Tuesday after all.

If I’m not doing something I feel like I’m being lazy. I have to remember that I am in fact the opposite of a lazy person. I might be sitting down but I am not very still. (And I wonder how my kids can just GO all day long….) So here I am. (Oh, I also heard about a potential job prospect. On my first day. Because I’ll probably be going crazy in a few weeks. And I determined that ON MY FIRST DAY. This is why I have a war in my head.) The current plan is to focus on school and not work on top of it. My classes end in late April. A week after the 1 year anniversary of Bob’s death. There’s a lot I still need to grapple, and I’ve been running from all of it. While I’ve been called the poster child for grief, I still need time. I have to decide what I want. And what I want for our girls. Paige asked me today where her daddy was, even though every day the girls talk about him. It’s coming, all her questions about where he really went. And Charlotte’s questions about how he got sick. And I don’t have the answers. I can’t say when I’ll tell them the answers to their questions, or if I’ll ever even know the answers.

Yesterday I focused on doing as little as possible. Today I focused on making my office space my own, and an inviting place to work. Tomorrow I’ll be working on that more. Possibly the next day, there’s a lot in here. It was very much both our spaces. While the Clint Eastwood poster will stay, it will probably be moved so he’s not lording over my desk. The John Wayne clock doesn’t have to stay though, any takers?

It’s an understatement, but it’s really really hard to grieve and live with it, especially with small kids. I think now Char will remember Bob. The other day she told me I was “getting dressed daddy’s way” because I put socks on before pants. I had forgotten he was weird like that. And the girls are very much like him. Poor Char is now the only early bird in the morning, and damn her chipperness at 6/6:30 a.m. I can hear Bob in it, teasing me to get up: “Think of all you could do if you got up now!” Sleep. Sleep is better, go away. “Aw, don’t be grumpy baby. Baby! It’s morning! You should be awake!” I hate you. I regret you don’t fear waking me like you fear waking your mom. “I’m not going to wake my mom, I know better.” Fear me. “You’re so cute when you’re angry.” I’m not cute, fuck you I am the night.

I miss talking to Bob. I miss our back and forth. I miss being with the man I never had to bitch about to my friends, and never did with his. I miss him loving me for exactly who I was. And I’m so sad that my girls, while they will remember him in stories and pictures and memories, will not remember me as the person I was with Bob. I might be stronger now, but I miss the person I was with him. I laughed easier. I wasn’t as cynical. I still had sarcasm but it wasn’t this dark all the time.

So I’m taking time to focus on school. Focus on the kids. Focus on myself. And learn to give myself a fucking break again, because it’s been a very long two years.