Mad as hell

This is a blog about grief and pain. Specifically my grief and pain. My husband died a year ago now, and I get the feeling this year will actually be harder than last year, when the pain was still very raw and fresh. But today I’m going to talk about someone else’s pain.

Today there is a mother mourning the death of her son. He didn’t have cancer. He wasn’t physically sick (that I know of). He was murdered. He was murdered by the very people whose job it is to defend our cities and towns. Is it their fault he is dead? Yes. Is this the first time? No. Does this mean that all officers are murderers and terrible people? No it does not. Is there a complete breakdown in communication between law enforcement and American citizens? Looks that way to me.

Someday my children will leave the house on their own. And when they are gone I will worry about their safety. But I hope I don’t have to worry if they’ll come back alive. That isn’t a reality I have to live with.

I grew up in the military. I respected the servicemen and servicewomen, and I learned not to cross the MPs (military police). But I never thought they would harm me. They were there to protect me. If I was wronged, they would be there to help me.

There are lots of subversive kinds of racism and stereotyping in the world. Muslims on TV are automatically thought of as extreme terrorists. Black people are thieves and criminals. White men who live in trailers are failures at life, drink heavily, and beat their wives. NO ONE ON TV IS A REAL PERSON. You can be damn sure that reality TV is not completely real. Real life is boring. It’s filled with bills, work, and shuffling families around for activities. The shuffling part might be fun, but NO TV IS REAL.

Yes, damaging property and looting isn’t good. But violence comes at the breakdown of communication. Again, for the people in the back: VIOLENCE COMES AT THE BREAKDOWN OF COMMUNICATION. Have you ever seen a kid throw a tantrum? It didn’t start off with throwing toys and kicking. It started with crying, or even before that with talking. Talking, crying, crying louder, screaming, kicking.

There has been talking about prejudice and discrimination towards African Americans for over 100 years. There has been crying about this for decades. There has been louder crying over this for decades. Then the screaming after nothing still was done. No wonder the kicking has started.

You can’t talk to a kid in the middle of a tantrum. But you start to work out your communication for when it is over. “I see you’re really upset, let’s talk about it. Tell me what you want.”

Rule #1: Don’t be dicks.

And if you want to get into the subject of how slavery place a role in today’s events, think of your grandparents. Or your great grandparents, if you’re younger. They were alive during the Great Depression, when millions lost their jobs and were struggling for work. That hardship changed the person they were. That led to how they raised their children, and how in turn their grandchildren were raised. That’s you, by the way. There are things that you might do, like save plastic bags or wash aluminum foil to use again, that you never thought of. But it stems from years of struggle from your grandparents, who taught your parents how to “appreciate what they have.” Sound familiar? Now try and imagine what 300 years of slavery based on the color of skin does for our generations. Your grandparents? Their grandparents might have been owned by other people. At the mercy of whatever need their owner wanted. Used for work, sold for money, used for sex. Children born and then sold away from their families. All of it. How has your grandparents’ experiences shaped your own? It would have been similar for them. And in turn their owners had their own kids and families, and their experiences would have been passed on. Now the time has come for enough is enough.

We all bleed. We all have the same skin thickness.

It is important to be prepared as a police officer. Just like it’s important to be prepared as a soldier. But escalating far quicker than a situation needs is going to end in violence. And that part is not needed. Look for the helpers, build the community. We live in a society where we are not allowed to show fear, and by not showing your fear there’s no chance for it to go away. Police officers can’t show fear, and I don’t think that’s right. A lot of police officers who work in cities don’t live in the cities, and I don’t think that’s right either. You don’t need to work on the same block you live, but you should be familiar with the area before you’re paid to protect it.

I’m shit afraid of spiders. So when I’m in the basement I wear shoes so I don’t step on any. But I don’t go looking for spiders. Prepared? Yes. Looking for spiders? No. I realize that’s a complete over-simplification, but it helps me process.

Am I mad as hell that another African American man was murdered by police by accident and disregard for human decency? You bet I am. Did you see the use of the word another? Did you notice in that sentence? Then it’s your turn to be mad as hell too. It’s not “another black man was killed.” A MAN WAS KILLED. It doesn’t matter what his skin color was, he was a human being. He had a whole life, years lived and so much more to live. AND HE ISN’T THE FIRST! Property can be fixed. People can change. Lives can not be brought back. It’s time to put our priorities in the right place. All lives matter, and that needs to include black lives as well as yours. And until it does, the term is BLACK LIVES MATTER, because all human life is important and your conservative lobby spouts that to women every day.