Fun Killer

As my children are shrieking playing in Paige’s room, I try not to care.

As my children want to make each other laugh instead of eat, and I’m finished with my own food, I try not to care.

When they cry as I tell them to get down from the table because they aren’t eating so they’re obviously done, I try not to care.

When toys are all over the floor, I try not to care.

But I do care. I care a lot. And sometimes it gets the better of me.

I’m the only adult. I wake up to calls of “mom?” I put them to bed amidst calls of “mom!” All day. Every day.

My kids are playing so well, can’t I just let them be loud? No. Because name calling has become prevalent with Charlotte and I won’t let her or her sister use name calling. And the indoor shrieking hurts my ears.

The toys aren’t really in the way, are they? No, but I don’t want to be the one cleaning them up later. Nor will I let Paige get away with “I want Charlotte to do it,” when it becomes clean up time.

They decided to get under my sheets to play with their flashing wands from grandma, and all the blankets and pillows were on the floor.

It’s wet and rainy and windy and cold and I don’t want to be outside. So we’re stuck inside. And Orion is stuck upstairs because it’s dry and his allergies are starting again. I’d rather not have him on steroids for 2 weeks again if I can help it.

Nothing today feels right. Nothing feels accomplishing. I need another adult in this house so I feel like an adult instead of a fun-killing-dictator. I need Bob back so we can be fun-killing-dictators together, giving each other boosts or back up throughout the day.

My boosts come from text messages when I rant to someone. There is no backup in the time of corona, which has not ended with the new year. My backup comes on Monday, when the girls can go back to school. But today is Saturday, and it’s too shitty to be outside.

So help me, I should just lay in bed with my shooting headgear on. Pardon me while I find my Tylenol. And play on my phone laying in bed and trying not to care, since they are entertained and contained to one bedroom.