Solid

*Disclaimer: usually I proofread, this one I didn’t. So if you see a spelling or grammatical error, be sure to tell my sister. She’s an English teacher, so it will bother her way more than it will me right now. 😛

Yesterday I turned 36! As a friend of mine said it was me “emerged anniversary!” I will admit that was a new one, had to be shared.

I used to look forward to my birthday. I used to look forward to a lot of things. I’m not saying this for sympathy or pity or even as a tone of grief. It’s just a fact of life when you’re a widow. A lot of things you used to really look forward to… you just don’t anymore.

But that’s where family comes in. That’s where friends come in. I spent most of the day with my friend Kristin and her son, shopping for a new fridge. Hooray for adulthood! Last week we had birthday parties and family out for Paige as she turned 3, my little grown up girl. On my birthday Charlotte remembered and yelled “Happy Birthday Mom!” from another room while I was in bed and made sure to tell Paige too. She also made me a card at camp that read “to Laura from Charlotte, Paige, and Orion.” Wisecracker…. if you ask her my whole name she’ll tell you “Mommy Laura Jinks.” Paige was very concerned I had no presents to open at dinner, because I’d opened them with her at her birthday party.

I’ve spent the last few weeks keeping myself busy with whatever needed to be done. I’ve worked to make myself relax and try not to stress about everything going on. I’ve (mostly) taken a break from my true crime documentary binge I felt the need to be on… for whatever reason.

Bob was older than me. And now I’m older than he was. It’s a very odd thing to surpass someone in age, it doesn’t feel natural. I’m one of the youngest in our group, and now I’m older than Bob.

Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes, they made my day awesome. My goal was to not have to cook any meals for myself, and I mostly succeeded. I don’t really consider leftovers cooking… at least I didn’t yesterday. But friends and family made it great. My kids made it great. And even though he can’t be seen, Bob made it great.

I’m the crazy lady who talks to her dead husband sometimes, usually yelling at him to stop making noise when I’m trying to sleep. (He’s pacing the house.) Telling him it’s not funny when he hides things on me. (It’s hilarious.) Telling him the door needs to be locked and he needs to cut it out. (It’ll lock soon after.) Hearing him say I don’t need to put on makeup, but ooh pretty when I do. I hear all the things, can think of all the comebacks and comments and retorts.

I’m a single widowed mom of two kids. I’m a really strict mom. I’ll own up to that. But my kids are happy, lively, independent, and wicked smart. Saints preserve me as they get older. It stinks to always be the authority figure, Bob and I were an awesome team. But we’re still a team. And my kids are awesome (which I can say now that they’re in bed and it’s mommy’s “time off.”)