Weight

There’s a lot that goes on in a woman’s mind on any given day. (I’m sure there are also many things in men’s heads too, but since I’m not a man I’ll stick to women.) Add onto that being a widow and constantly trying to “manage” your grief, which can’t be managed FYI. Add on two children, who also can’t be managed but continue to grow right before your eyes.

I have a really hard time sitting still with all the “shoulds” swirling in my head. Oh, kids aren’t home? You should clean the house. You should write. You should meal prep for the next month. You should play with Orion. You should shower. (Seriously, go shower.) You should reach out to friends. You should, you should, you should.

When the kids are home- you should go outside and let them run. You should let them watch TV, what can it hurt one day? You should make a meal, when was the last time you took joy in food? You should order out, don’t stress about eating right now. You should read more books aloud. You should bust out the play-doh (god I hate play-doh but it gives me silence).

Covid- you should be more vigilant and not expand your tiny circle. You should relax, it will be okay. You should wear a mask when company is here. You don’t need to wear a mask, you’re outside so it’s a lot safer. It’s hot as balls outside, you should bring everyone inside where it’s cooler. It’s okay to have people in your house, I’m sure they aren’t lying about not being sick. You haven’t had physical adult contact in months, it’s okay to hug your mom or your friend. Elbow touches instead of hugs.

No wonder I’m fucking exhausted all the time.

I have a confession to make. Back in January I quit my job, and the official reason was because I was in school. Single parent, new widow (wait, am I an old widow now?), working full time, two kids under 5. It was hell. And my job was proving to be more toxic to my personal growth and wellbeing, and I quit. I quit my job because of grief, not because of school.

I’ve said time and time again you can’t outrun grief. But I keep trying. The hardest thing to do is SIT. Be alone with your thoughts. Be alone with the pain. Be still and not let the “you shoulds” take over.

I’ve been at this grief thing over a year now. (Also that’s probably the stupidest sentence I’ve ever seen, but I’m leaving it to make my point.) I am not “better for it.” It fucking sucks. Daily. Sometimes it sucks less. Sometimes I feel in complete control of my life. Sometimes I feel completely inept. Sometimes in the same hour. I don’t nope around my house all day, or cry incessantly. But there are times when I feel so overwhelmed about something as simple as “what’s for lunch?”

My kids are happy. My kids are independent. My kids love me, and they love their dad.

My friend reached out to me out of the blue for some ear saver headbands that I’ve been making, and on her way to my house Bob jabbered to her about our first time looking at our house & moving in. She’s never been to our house. But he wanted her to remind me I am exactly where I need to be. With all the “shoulds” I am doing just fine. I didn’t know until she said it how much I needed to hear it. And I needed to hear it from someone whose opinion I value the most in this world.

It’s a lot of weight to carry on your shoulders. I’ve had a lot of weight on my shoulders for a few years now, and Bob’s not physically here to help me with it when I need a break. But I’m the crazy lady that’s convinced he is still here, cheering me on. Telling me that he still needs me here. And I don’t need to add a full time job from home on top of that. I already work from home- I’m a writer. And that’s enough. I am enough… I am enough.