Blessed

Hey there guys, gals, and everything in between. It’s been a while! With everything going on I’ve once again forgotten about my own needs, and without prompting took the last two days “off” between the hours of 8:30 and 4 when the kids were in school. Is it a personal day when I don’t have an “official” job and set my own workdays?

In this end of the spookiest month and the beginning of the most thankful month, I’ve been thinking about #blessed. We’ve all seen the hashtag, “oh it’s so great and I love my life and-“

I had to stop there, my eye roll almost hurt the back of my head.

I’ve always flinched at #blessed. I might’ve used it once or twice but not anytime recently. But I’ve been thinking lately, I’ve been lucky with some things, and in that luck there’s a little bless.

I’m blessed I have friends who still talk to me after years of spartan and sporadic communication.

I’m blessed I have friends that know my crazy, understand my language, and poke at my introverted bubbles to get me to engage with the world.

I’m blessed I have mentors, and groups of writing peers that listen to my work and don’t shy away from the depths of my words.

I’m blessed my husband cared so much about me that I learned what self love was- and even when I struggle I know I am enough.

I’m blessed I have intelligent, creative, opinionated, determined, and thoughtful girls. They’re also adorable which is like the icing they lick off every cupcake they “share” with me. Jerks.

My life is not blessed. It’s fucking rough. I have good weeks and harder ones. I have easy school mornings and ones where I feel I do nothing but yell to be heard. (“Shoes, coats, masks, NOW!)

October is the month we are most able to feel the presence of those past gone. I’m not a medium, I’m not one who feels the presence of others like that. I know people who are and they’ve given me messages from Bob since he knows how oblivious I am.

My point is I don’t have to be blessed to be happy. I don’t have to be blessed to be lucky. I’ve lived through a lot and my thirties aren’t close to over. Blessed is a dream I don’t aspire to. Quiet mornings with children coloring at the table and not ON the table are what I aspire to.

I took some personal days. I might take a few more, since I discovered the girls will be home with me for 4 and 1/2 days over Halloween. Seriously? I have crafting commissions calling my name, how strong is my CBD today?

That blessed feeling you have when you look at your family, your kids, your friends? That’s love. That’s what that is. I wish love didn’t end with pain, but even with pain there’s still love. And that love is what makes me feel blessed right now.